Hilarious realization i just made. I was trying to think of the date of my cadbury binge. I knew it was the Friday after Easter. FRIDAY the 13th... HAHAHAH So fitting!!!
Well since then I have lost 4 pounds! (I am very afraid of being judged on this since typically pregnant women don't lose weight) ( I AM NOT A "TYPICAL" PERSON)
I have been eating super healthy! What ever kind of healthy I want. so if its fruit at night? i don't deprive myself.
We still have cadbury eggs and M & M's in the house. Andrew can enjoy a treat every once in awhile!
I am very proud of myself. I am eating healthy. I walked every day last week. I haven't had anything unhealthy in almost 2 weeks.
I wish this wasnt such an issue in my life but it is. I got sucked into Hoarders yesterday when Veronica was napping and Andrew was at work. I think I was suppose to see this episode. This woman was describing her problem and a couple things stuck with me.
"I just keep stuffing and stuffing and the problem keeps getting bigger and bigger."
"Its a constant uphill battle"
Well isnt that the same things that happens with food?
298 lbs is a lot of hoarding.
I am so thankful that im no where near that number but this landslide of unhealthy-ness that has lasted for just shy of a year is a reminder that it is a CONSTANT UPHILL BATTLE. I cant runaway from myself and ignore a healthy lifestyle. Well i guess i can but....
This is how my twisted little mind works. ( Im not judging myself here ;) ) One of my favorite clients came in last Wednesday and she has a wee little one too. She had a catheter with her pregnancy. She told me that she drank like 15 gallons of water during this time. I am uncertain if she was exaggerating or not because instantly i said
P: "Dont judge me but OMG thats a perfect weight loss idea"
M: "Um yeah thats why im telling you"
15 gallons in that time frame seems manageable HAHAHA
So most of the doctors have recommended that I have another c section anyway because V's birth was a little complicated. do you know how excited I am to have a catheter???
Whether or not that idea is wrong or right thats my train of thought!!!
Tomorrow Veronica, my mom and I will find out the sex of Baby Traynor. Andrew wants to be surprised so mid September will be exciting and we will let everyone know then!!!
ON ANOTHER COMPLETELY SEPARATE TOPIC....
My blog, my life, im just venting now....
I think my biggest pet peeve in the whole wide world is the hatred from so many of police officers.
Many people who have problems with them usually have had a self inflicted incident with them. Andrews phone rang at a little after 2 this am and instantly went into work. I asked if there was anything that i could do. He hesitated and said maybe a lunch. I got up made a little breakfast sandwich to go and packed his lunch. From the phone call to the time he was out the door maybe 6-8 minutes had passed...
Being in a higher emotional state than normal I googled Police Officer prayers.
One of them:
"I pray to you God that if im to lose my life
that you watch over my children and wife"
I lost it and started crying. (Im not a crier -like ever)
I often see facebook posts regarding undeserved tickets, asshole cops, and so many other derogatory statements.
I am honored to be surrounded by such heroic men and women.
Not that any of you need this reminder its just me of getting my thoughts out.
Say a little extra prayer today for these heroic people are daughters, sisters, mothers, best friends, uncles, sons, FATHERS and HUSBANDS and they have family who worry about them 100% of the time they are on duty!
Okay im done because Ill probably start crying if I continue!!! HAHAHAHA
HORMONES CAN STOP ANYTIME NOW:)
XOXO
Paula
Monday, April 23, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Why do I stop blogging?!?!?
WHY OH WHY DID I STOP BLOGGING!!!
I always am reminded of how much support and love I really do have in my life. I really am not alone!
I usually dont blog because im in a funk. Its been a funky time for a bit im hoping its on its way out. I just want to feel happy and healthy!
So not that im on an anti sugar binge but so far so good almost a week of no unnatural sugar. (candy, chocolate, ice cream, fruit snacks, soda....)
I am someone who weighs myself everyday. Everyday the number alters my mood. Since I have been pregnant I have gained weight and it seemed like 1 week it was a pound a day :(
So with not having sugar and eating healthy ive been expecting to lose at least a pound but since last friday, the scale still hasnt budged. I know im pregnant and this should be the last of my concerns (weight loss) but it is a concern. Not only a concern A FEAR.
I am not starving myself nor am i doing anything extreme. I have enough carbs and protein to maintain a healthy pregnancy. I think that because we are eating dinner so late at night that it effects the scale #....
BUT WHY THE F#$& does it even matter. Why cant i just say hey i havent had any sugar in 4 days. I dont feel bloated and my energy is better. More importantly Im not gaining any more weight! Im maintaining Im being healthy.
I want to thank you again for reading and being a part of my struggles, my success, and being so supportive when im down :)
XOXO
Paula
I always am reminded of how much support and love I really do have in my life. I really am not alone!
I usually dont blog because im in a funk. Its been a funky time for a bit im hoping its on its way out. I just want to feel happy and healthy!
So not that im on an anti sugar binge but so far so good almost a week of no unnatural sugar. (candy, chocolate, ice cream, fruit snacks, soda....)
I am someone who weighs myself everyday. Everyday the number alters my mood. Since I have been pregnant I have gained weight and it seemed like 1 week it was a pound a day :(
So with not having sugar and eating healthy ive been expecting to lose at least a pound but since last friday, the scale still hasnt budged. I know im pregnant and this should be the last of my concerns (weight loss) but it is a concern. Not only a concern A FEAR.
I am not starving myself nor am i doing anything extreme. I have enough carbs and protein to maintain a healthy pregnancy. I think that because we are eating dinner so late at night that it effects the scale #....
BUT WHY THE F#$& does it even matter. Why cant i just say hey i havent had any sugar in 4 days. I dont feel bloated and my energy is better. More importantly Im not gaining any more weight! Im maintaining Im being healthy.
I want to thank you again for reading and being a part of my struggles, my success, and being so supportive when im down :)
XOXO
Paula
Sunday, April 15, 2012
A little peace to go with a little strength?!
So why the posting all of a sudden?
Remember many many postings ago i explained how i have a radar and red flashing alarm horn installed inside of me and when we have something not healthy, usually chocolate or candy, in the house the radar goes off 100% of the time until the object is gone... well...
Easter was last Sunday and if i didnt give birth to my child and if maybe she left my side for a minute at the hospital and was switched i wouldnt claim her as mine for the soul reason of her not liking chocolate, mac and cheese, and pizza. Im grateful for her healthy eating habits but really V you sure you are my offspring?!?!?!?
Anyway, easter, candy... We were gifted 8 cadbury eggs very thoughtful but i immediately wanted to throw them away because as you know that is one thing i have no control over. So the cadbury eggs were in the house, friday my radar was going off all morning, i gave in to the cadbury egg.
Not once!
Not twice!
but yes 3 times!
Not to mention that i also had some jelly beans and so M & Ms. So when I posted that I was lethargic well I was currently self induced to a sugar coma.
The sick part was there was something so comforting about consuming them but something so empty about it and if i didnt leave the house I bet that I would have ate the remainder of them.
V and I left the house and returned home. She napped I blogged to try to find help.
I have never felt the feeling of being sick of sugar. Literally sick! Even if I wanted to eat another cadbury egg, I dont think my body would have gone to the cupboard to get it. I mentally even tried to ask myself if I wanted one. I refused a cadbury egg.
Waking up Saturday morning I was still not feeling well.
I am happy to report that as of 2 pm today I will be sugar free for 48 hours.
The really cool part is we still have the sweets in the house and i still dont want any.
Well, i guess its not cool that I ate so many and got to this point but you get the picture.
So I have found a little bit of strength a little glimmer of hope that I will not fall into my old terrible eating ways. Dont give up on me yet :)
I also want to put in a side note that when I say sugar free im meaning to candy I am eating fruit.
ANOTHER TOPIC
I understand that when you are pregnant you should not be trying to lose weight. Im 100% excited about our new baby. I am struggling with the fact that I WILL gain weight. I WILL grow out of my clothes. I know I know im pregnant but this is me being honest.
So its not that im trying to lose weight (im talking in the past 2 days) but i am making a very conscience effort to make sure what im choosing to eat is healthy for me as well as the new babe.
I need to try not to be selfish and remember that my wants, needs and desires as far as food and drinking need to be in control...
Some women say that they didnt gain any weight in their pregnancies. Lucky them! Maybe if I can get things in check now I will be "okay"(whatever that means) physically and emotionally.
Lillian -therapist-says im going to drive myself nuts with the weight thing... Umm duhh isnt that the norm for me?!?!?! ;)
So in my search for more strength im also seeking peace!
XOXO
Paula
Remember many many postings ago i explained how i have a radar and red flashing alarm horn installed inside of me and when we have something not healthy, usually chocolate or candy, in the house the radar goes off 100% of the time until the object is gone... well...
Easter was last Sunday and if i didnt give birth to my child and if maybe she left my side for a minute at the hospital and was switched i wouldnt claim her as mine for the soul reason of her not liking chocolate, mac and cheese, and pizza. Im grateful for her healthy eating habits but really V you sure you are my offspring?!?!?!?
Anyway, easter, candy... We were gifted 8 cadbury eggs very thoughtful but i immediately wanted to throw them away because as you know that is one thing i have no control over. So the cadbury eggs were in the house, friday my radar was going off all morning, i gave in to the cadbury egg.
Not once!
Not twice!
but yes 3 times!
Not to mention that i also had some jelly beans and so M & Ms. So when I posted that I was lethargic well I was currently self induced to a sugar coma.
The sick part was there was something so comforting about consuming them but something so empty about it and if i didnt leave the house I bet that I would have ate the remainder of them.
V and I left the house and returned home. She napped I blogged to try to find help.
I have never felt the feeling of being sick of sugar. Literally sick! Even if I wanted to eat another cadbury egg, I dont think my body would have gone to the cupboard to get it. I mentally even tried to ask myself if I wanted one. I refused a cadbury egg.
Waking up Saturday morning I was still not feeling well.
I am happy to report that as of 2 pm today I will be sugar free for 48 hours.
The really cool part is we still have the sweets in the house and i still dont want any.
Well, i guess its not cool that I ate so many and got to this point but you get the picture.
So I have found a little bit of strength a little glimmer of hope that I will not fall into my old terrible eating ways. Dont give up on me yet :)
I also want to put in a side note that when I say sugar free im meaning to candy I am eating fruit.
ANOTHER TOPIC
I understand that when you are pregnant you should not be trying to lose weight. Im 100% excited about our new baby. I am struggling with the fact that I WILL gain weight. I WILL grow out of my clothes. I know I know im pregnant but this is me being honest.
So its not that im trying to lose weight (im talking in the past 2 days) but i am making a very conscience effort to make sure what im choosing to eat is healthy for me as well as the new babe.
I need to try not to be selfish and remember that my wants, needs and desires as far as food and drinking need to be in control...
Some women say that they didnt gain any weight in their pregnancies. Lucky them! Maybe if I can get things in check now I will be "okay"(whatever that means) physically and emotionally.
Lillian -therapist-says im going to drive myself nuts with the weight thing... Umm duhh isnt that the norm for me?!?!?! ;)
So in my search for more strength im also seeking peace!
XOXO
Paula
Friday, April 13, 2012
Need to find strength...
Im not sure that i have blogged this year :(
I could use every excuse but i wont.
Im definitely struggling and i have been since last summer. With the struggle i have also gained weight. (insert sobbing tears here)
I feel like a failure but i try to not dwell on it but i end up finding excuses "Im working more, I dont have time, I have to keep the house clean..." the list goes on and on. I think about everything that I have accomplished "weight wise" and every morning I feel so discouraged, like i have failed.
I dont feel inspirational, I dont feel like a success. I feel that when people see me they are like
"wow she worked so hard and look at her now." pity party i know...
My confidence is shattered. I dont feel good, I feel lethargic and tired and this list could also go on.
So some positives. This year we put our house on the market with an amazing realtor Richie...
because we need more room....
because we are making our family
1 Traynor bigger.
With that said im going to interject... I know some of you are thinking: well of course you are tired and you have gained you are pregnant. Thats not the point and I dont want to continue using that as an excuse. I really dont need velveeta mac and cheese nor ice cream, nor cadbury eggs.
I just want to find strength to say no to the remainder of the chocolate in the house. I want to say no to myself when i go into gas stations or grocery stores for treats.
With my confidence being shattered my balance is the same.
We have packed many of our belongings in our house per the staging consult and we have to keep our house constantly clean. Those of you with children know my struggle. Those of you with OCD again can appreciate my struggle.
My personal/family life currently has things going on and struggles that im trying to accept or overcome and that balance is hard as well. BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES!!!
So the hormones are going, the exercise and food are not, our house is currently a hotel, i have to be careful who i surround myself with and im supposed to be balanced. :/
I know that this is temporary and this too shall pass and i will be where i am supposed to be when i am supposed to be there.
With all my complaining I am thankful for my husband who is a ROCK! Im blaming hormones for my conversation the other day with him, he said something that probably wouldnt have pissed me off but it did I played the short answers game and hung up... Giggled to myself and thought "poor guy" I after told him about my giggle but he thought that was a little less humorous than i did. Stay with me sweety this is only temporary and i love you!
Im thankful for my business at the salon and also with my father. I am happy that I have 2 great jobs with amazing people that im surrounded with daily.
Im thankful for our daughter and the joy and laughter she brings us everyday.
Im thankful for my friends who i dont see as often as i should but who i think about daily!!!
I had to vent a little and feel better.
I hope all of you are well mind body and soul!!!
XOXO
Paula
I could use every excuse but i wont.
Im definitely struggling and i have been since last summer. With the struggle i have also gained weight. (insert sobbing tears here)
I feel like a failure but i try to not dwell on it but i end up finding excuses "Im working more, I dont have time, I have to keep the house clean..." the list goes on and on. I think about everything that I have accomplished "weight wise" and every morning I feel so discouraged, like i have failed.
I dont feel inspirational, I dont feel like a success. I feel that when people see me they are like
"wow she worked so hard and look at her now." pity party i know...
My confidence is shattered. I dont feel good, I feel lethargic and tired and this list could also go on.
So some positives. This year we put our house on the market with an amazing realtor Richie...
because we need more room....
because we are making our family
1 Traynor bigger.
With that said im going to interject... I know some of you are thinking: well of course you are tired and you have gained you are pregnant. Thats not the point and I dont want to continue using that as an excuse. I really dont need velveeta mac and cheese nor ice cream, nor cadbury eggs.
I just want to find strength to say no to the remainder of the chocolate in the house. I want to say no to myself when i go into gas stations or grocery stores for treats.
With my confidence being shattered my balance is the same.
We have packed many of our belongings in our house per the staging consult and we have to keep our house constantly clean. Those of you with children know my struggle. Those of you with OCD again can appreciate my struggle.
My personal/family life currently has things going on and struggles that im trying to accept or overcome and that balance is hard as well. BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES!!!
So the hormones are going, the exercise and food are not, our house is currently a hotel, i have to be careful who i surround myself with and im supposed to be balanced. :/
I know that this is temporary and this too shall pass and i will be where i am supposed to be when i am supposed to be there.
With all my complaining I am thankful for my husband who is a ROCK! Im blaming hormones for my conversation the other day with him, he said something that probably wouldnt have pissed me off but it did I played the short answers game and hung up... Giggled to myself and thought "poor guy" I after told him about my giggle but he thought that was a little less humorous than i did. Stay with me sweety this is only temporary and i love you!
Im thankful for my business at the salon and also with my father. I am happy that I have 2 great jobs with amazing people that im surrounded with daily.
Im thankful for our daughter and the joy and laughter she brings us everyday.
Im thankful for my friends who i dont see as often as i should but who i think about daily!!!
I had to vent a little and feel better.
I hope all of you are well mind body and soul!!!
XOXO
Paula
Monday, December 19, 2011
Not alone... Right???
Its funny how sometimes you think you are the only one going through something! I think that Im the only one who has lost weight and gained some back! Yes I think that im the only over weight person in the world. I feel like no one understands what im going through. But then I think of how many people; friends, family, even strangers who read this blog are going through the same exact thing that I am.
I received an email a few days ago:
I'm one of your blog readers - one of the many you have inspired. We miss you! Remember "if it was easy"... I am still fighting my own fight :). Not losing much yet but working out with a trainer and now talking to a nutritionist. I believe in you just like I know you believe in me even though we've never met. B.P. tells me you are an amazing person! Believe this!
Hope to see your cheery self on your blog again soon.
Hugs,
ML
I know that I havent been blogging. Does it count if i think about i everyday?!?!?! Yes everyday I think about blogging but then I come up with 800 reasons on why I dont have enough time! So today just for today im making time!
I may not being running 5-9 miles every day or week. I try to make the best decisions I can however as everyone knows it easy to get swayed.
I am happy. I have a wonderful life. I have a wonderful family. I have friends who are my chosen family. I have so many riches.
Yes I may have gained 30 pounds back but at least I know how to lose it
I have the support of so many people who dont judge or criticize me when i feel like a moose cake
I CAN DO THIS!!!!
This is a life style change!
This isnt easy!
I hope everyone is enjoying this holiday season with loved ones! We are!
Today so far I have ate really healthy!
I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow!
Thank you for all the continued support
It is nice to know that im not alone so thank you for your inspiration
XOXO
Paula
I received an email a few days ago:
I'm one of your blog readers - one of the many you have inspired. We miss you! Remember "if it was easy"... I am still fighting my own fight :). Not losing much yet but working out with a trainer and now talking to a nutritionist. I believe in you just like I know you believe in me even though we've never met. B.P. tells me you are an amazing person! Believe this!
Hope to see your cheery self on your blog again soon.
Hugs,
ML
I know that I havent been blogging. Does it count if i think about i everyday?!?!?! Yes everyday I think about blogging but then I come up with 800 reasons on why I dont have enough time! So today just for today im making time!
I may not being running 5-9 miles every day or week. I try to make the best decisions I can however as everyone knows it easy to get swayed.
I am happy. I have a wonderful life. I have a wonderful family. I have friends who are my chosen family. I have so many riches.
Yes I may have gained 30 pounds back but at least I know how to lose it
I have the support of so many people who dont judge or criticize me when i feel like a moose cake
I CAN DO THIS!!!!
This is a life style change!
This isnt easy!
I hope everyone is enjoying this holiday season with loved ones! We are!
Today so far I have ate really healthy!
I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow!
Thank you for all the continued support
It is nice to know that im not alone so thank you for your inspiration
XOXO
Paula
Friday, November 4, 2011
Walk of shame!
I know my blogging hasnt been regular, lol, infact it hasnt been :(
BOOOOOOO on my behalf!
I have received so many messages from people saying they miss my blog!
Partly I have fallen short on time and also mostly i have fallen off the bandwagon.
SO heres the honesty part. :(
I have had months of drinking and eating and really just "stuffing" my emotions. There have been things in my life that I havent wanted to deal with so i just kept stuffing them down.
I have found peace with most of my struggles and am at better place.
The other day I knew that I had to accept the fact that my clothes were not fitting and that I just wasnt comfortable.
After days, weeks and months of festivities, gatherings, and get togethers we finally stepped on the scale
:(
:(
I knew my weight was high!
I said to andrew something along the lines of (joking of course)
"you wont love me if it says 200 ill just be your fat wife again"
(keep in mind im the dramatic one and hes the reasonable one)
"youre right i wont" (he was joking of course)
Well my friends im not happy to report that the scale said 199
"You're lucky" Andrew said to me.
Really? I gained 33 pounds.....
I could sit here and continue to beat myself up.....
but.....
how cool is it that I stopped myself from going down a very dangerous road yet again.
I used to workout in the mornings when my family slept, they didnt miss me....
With Andrews new schedule morning workouts are not an option for me so I work out after my family goes to bed. Its just a different time of day!
I always had excuses for not working out at the end of the day... I had 10+ hours to come up with them, so of course they were really good ones. On Tuesday as I posted on FB I left my excuses at home and went to the gym. WAAAHHHHOOOOOO. I was nervous. Like wearing a scarlet letter nervous, I usually dont care what people think of me but I felt ashamed of myself. It was as if I was doing a walk of shame to my long lost treadmill friend. Nobody noticed me nor did they watch me walking the plank. HAHAHAHAH. I got on the treadmill and completed a slow 4 miles!!! GO ME GO ME!
I had a long day at work yesterday and the only thing i wanted to do was go home and to bed early but i saw 2 quotes:
Thanks Mandi for posting :)
BOOOOOOO on my behalf!
I have received so many messages from people saying they miss my blog!
Partly I have fallen short on time and also mostly i have fallen off the bandwagon.
SO heres the honesty part. :(
I have had months of drinking and eating and really just "stuffing" my emotions. There have been things in my life that I havent wanted to deal with so i just kept stuffing them down.
I have found peace with most of my struggles and am at better place.
The other day I knew that I had to accept the fact that my clothes were not fitting and that I just wasnt comfortable.
After days, weeks and months of festivities, gatherings, and get togethers we finally stepped on the scale
:(
:(
I knew my weight was high!
I said to andrew something along the lines of (joking of course)
"you wont love me if it says 200 ill just be your fat wife again"
(keep in mind im the dramatic one and hes the reasonable one)
"youre right i wont" (he was joking of course)
Well my friends im not happy to report that the scale said 199
"You're lucky" Andrew said to me.
Really? I gained 33 pounds.....
I could sit here and continue to beat myself up.....
but.....
how cool is it that I stopped myself from going down a very dangerous road yet again.
I used to workout in the mornings when my family slept, they didnt miss me....
With Andrews new schedule morning workouts are not an option for me so I work out after my family goes to bed. Its just a different time of day!
I always had excuses for not working out at the end of the day... I had 10+ hours to come up with them, so of course they were really good ones. On Tuesday as I posted on FB I left my excuses at home and went to the gym. WAAAHHHHOOOOOO. I was nervous. Like wearing a scarlet letter nervous, I usually dont care what people think of me but I felt ashamed of myself. It was as if I was doing a walk of shame to my long lost treadmill friend. Nobody noticed me nor did they watch me walking the plank. HAHAHAHAH. I got on the treadmill and completed a slow 4 miles!!! GO ME GO ME!
I had a long day at work yesterday and the only thing i wanted to do was go home and to bed early but i saw 2 quotes:
"Im not training for a 5k.
Im not preparing for a competition.
Im not trying to set a new record.
Im not trying to impress you.
Im saving my life."
Thanks Mandi for posting :)
"You can feel sore tomorrow
or
You can feel sorry tomorrow
you choose."
I have been to the gym the past 3 nights and I am down 5 pounds!I have been running and it has been hard.
Its easy to gain weight and its easy to be unhealthy IT IS SO HARD TO DO THE OPPOSITE.
I feel that I have let so many people down, that I have failed, but mostly i feel these things about myself. All of you loved me when I was 298 pounds and im sure all my friends love me now.
I guess if you want something bad enough you will fight for it and do everything to get it. I felt so good at 166 (my low) and I will get there because I want it baddddlllllllyyyyyyy!!!!
I would love to know that im not alone in this struggle for I often feel like I am!
I will try to blog more often. Thank you for still reading and caring.
Can I ask a small favor....
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE COME TO MY HOUSE AND LITERALLY DRAG MY ASS OUT OF MY HOUSE AND LITERALLY KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO ME!!!!
So i guess its not a small favor but a large task....
My eating habits and mental state of mind are so much better when im exercising!!!!
PLEASE CONSTANTLY REMIND ME IF THIS!!!!!
Im not training for anything I am saving my life... last time when I was going to the gym I was kinda crazy about it...it consumed me I went 5-6 times a week. I know im not going tonight and I think im finding some kind of balance... I feel as though I am balanced. I think you have to learn lessons, trials and tribulations to find peace and balance... Ah the joys of life and learning :) :) :)
WISH ME WELL GETTING BACK ON TRACK!!!
XOXO
Paula
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)